A piece of fiction by Andrew Perciballi: a prelude to the short story “The Good Intentions of Domo Arygato”
When selecting YOUR bar you want to keep some things in mind. Domo Arygato was a big fan of the three L’s of BarPicking: Location, Location and Leprosy. Just kidding, the third one is also location. And that’s why, for the past 3 years, The Boys had met at a bar named Kelsey’s. This bar has no relation to the Kelsey’s you know on Earth and for obvious reasons, including the fact that no one actually wants to go to Kelsey’s, which is a sad, expensive place where valentines’ dates go to die, we will henceforth call the bar formally known as Kelsey’s on Alle Ort in the capital of Mooriata; The Bar.
The Bar, was a short cab ride from Domo’s home (shorter yet when you were plastered) and a slightly longer one from the others’ with the exception of Rincetin’s new flat in the downtown area. Such are the benefits of being the guy who picks the bar.
Now being a backdoor politician, not exactly at the bottom of the economic foodchain Domo had selected a bar that fits into the strategic category of “Not-an-armpit”, and keeping in mind Alle Ort is closer to 1800’s Boston than 2000’s Boston (though not nearly as caffeinated as 1700’s Boston), a place that would allow such luxury’s as “Shoes”.
The counter point of course being the bar he chose had to allow smoking, be intimate enough for poker and not have one of those chalky sidewalk signs inviting you to try the “city’s best-known burger”. Wooden everything was better than tile anythings and enough traffic for the occasional bachelorette party retreat was ideal. Real brown wood, not black-so-you-can’t-tell-it’s-dirty wood please and thank you.
You need somewhere off the beaten path so if you’re avoiding anybody you can enjoy your bar in peace and they can give you space as well. But you still need to be close to the action. The Bar was located down a sidestreet off the main strip and close enough to a cigar shop and a late night burger joint to effectively keep away any healthy people on a regular basis.
Now, if you find a bar that gives you free peanuts, this is ideal. Peanuts are a valuable source of snacking and shells provide anti-slip soak for beer spillage. Peanut shells are a great alternative to beating the shit out of your friends which, if it happens in your favourite bar, can result in your expulsion from said bar. And also friends, but mostly the bar thing.
Peanuts (hah, bet you thought this peanut bit was over), aside from being a great source of fat and protein as you wait for that bitch carol to bring the nachos you ordered like 35 minutes ago, are also a wonderful source of biotin which is important for hair growth and general hormone health.
Live music is a contentious topic in the grandeur scope of the bar-picking community but Domo was very against it as he was against most factors he could not control. The occasional faun story-teller was welcome in The Bar and the Boys could always retreat to their back room if they got bored. Fauns on Alle Ort are famously entertained across the land and as a result have the wildest stories. In this way fauns are celebrities almost as a species rather than individuals and attract all sorts of colourful characters hoping to become collected into a lexicon of stories.
“But the most important thing you must consider when selecting YOUR bar” said Domo one day explaining his theology from the top of a milk crate, “Is that you never pick a bar where you are tempted to date a waitress. And that ended up being why my friend Joe died. Quite honestly I feel at fault.” This last bit he admitted as though he had never told anyone before. The four vagrant children no older than 13 all wanted to ask Domo what had happened to his friend Joe, but they knew Domo well enough to know he wouldn’t answer. But I will.
On most Friday nights the boys would start at their favourite red booth, where their favourite waiters and waitresses serve them until about 11, and then they would move to their smoke-filled backroom for a poker game or thirty. Which is where they were at the beginning of our story…