The Sport of Barpicking: a Prologue

A piece of fiction by Andrew Perciballi: a prelude to the short story “The Good Intentions of Domo Arygato”

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(Earth 1)

When selecting YOUR bar you want to keep some things in mind. Domo Arygato was a big fan of the three L’s of BarPicking: Location, Location and Leprosy. Just kidding, the third one is also location. And that’s why, for the past 3 years, The Boys had met at a bar named Kelsey’s. This bar has no relation to the Kelsey’s you know on Earth and for obvious reasons, including the fact that no one actually wants to go to Kelsey’s, which is a sad, expensive place where valentines’ dates go to die, we will henceforth call the bar formally known as Kelsey’s on Alle Ort in the capital of Mooriata; The Bar.

The Bar, was a short cab ride from Domo’s home (shorter yet when you were plastered) and a slightly longer one from the others’ with the exception of Rincetin’s new flat in the downtown area. Such are the benefits of being the guy who picks the bar.

Now being a backdoor politician, not exactly at the bottom of the economic foodchain Domo had selected a bar that fits into the strategic category of “Not-an-armpit”, and keeping in mind Alle Ort is closer to 1800’s Boston than 2000’s Boston (though not nearly as caffeinated as 1700’s Boston), a place that would allow such luxury’s as “Shoes”.

The counter point of course being the bar he chose had to allow smoking, be intimate enough for poker and not have one of those chalky sidewalk signs inviting you to try the “city’s best-known burger”. Wooden everything was better than tile anythings and enough traffic for the occasional bachelorette party retreat was ideal. Real brown wood, not black-so-you-can’t-tell-it’s-dirty wood please and thank you.

You need somewhere off the beaten path so if you’re avoiding anybody you can enjoy your bar in peace and they can give you space as well. But you still need to be close to the action. The Bar was located down a sidestreet off the main strip and close enough to a cigar shop and a late night burger joint to effectively keep away any healthy people on a regular basis.

Now, if you find a bar that gives you free peanuts, this is ideal. Peanuts are a valuable source of snacking and shells provide anti-slip soak for beer spillage. Peanut shells are a great alternative to beating the shit out of your friends which, if it happens in your favourite bar, can result in your expulsion from said bar. And also friends, but mostly the bar thing.

Peanuts (hah, bet you thought this peanut bit was over), aside from being a great source of fat and protein as you wait for that bitch carol to bring the nachos you ordered like 35 minutes ago, are also a wonderful source of biotin which is important for hair growth and general hormone health.

Live music is a contentious topic in the grandeur scope of the bar-picking community but Domo was very against it as he was against most factors he could not control. The occasional faun story-teller was welcome in The Bar and the Boys could always retreat to their back room if they got bored. Fauns on Alle Ort are famously entertained across the land and as a result have the wildest stories. In this way fauns are celebrities almost as a species rather than individuals and attract all sorts of colourful characters hoping to become collected into a lexicon of stories.

“But the most important thing you must consider when selecting YOUR bar” said Domo one day explaining his theology from the top of a milk crate, “Is that you never pick a bar where you are tempted to date a waitress. And that ended up being why my friend Joe died. Quite honestly I feel at fault.” This last bit he admitted as though he had never told anyone before. The four vagrant children no older than 13 all wanted to ask Domo what had happened to his friend Joe, but they knew Domo well enough to know he wouldn’t answer. But I will.

On most Friday nights the boys would start at their favourite red booth, where their favourite waiters and waitresses serve them until about 11, and then they would move to their smoke-filled backroom for a poker game or thirty. Which is where they were at the beginning of our story…

 

Your Twenties: an Introduction to the Spose Album

Here we see a coin almost as big as the mountain itself so far in the distance that you cant see the path.

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As the first song on the album plays we get our framing of the metaphors in Spose’s “We All Got Lost” from the perspective of someone entering their twenties. The first verse and chorus is positive “we believe in you” that could be your parents or any other mentors you encountered in your youth. It’s finally your turn to take on the world and you can see all the things you want, now all you have to do is go get those things and set out on the path.

Our protagonist starts down the path with gusto but then gets distracted by one of the many doors along the path (according to Genius this one represents sex but the doors represent literally anything that distracts from the goals like food and any pleasure) and when he leaves he finds the mountaintop seems even farther.

One of my favourite lines on the album here is “So I jog like memories, I ran like Tehran”

The hiker then meets a man named Dan who represents, according to Spose, someone who has experienced the mountain top. He tries to show the beauty of whats around them but our protagonist who shrugs him off as crazy and continues.

He then gets distracted, finally smoking weed with his friends and procrastinating on his journey. He recognizes there’s a part of him that wants to stay in that space forever and just enjoy things. The song then introduces a very stressful sound that breaks up the music and makes it rather unpleasant; our protagonist has sobered up and is now in a panic concerning his journey’s state.

The sound intensifies and so do the lyrics. He’s in a panic. It’s not pleasant to listen to this part of the song if I’m being real. Then Dan taps him on the shoulder and Spose turns around to look at the ground he’s covered and he see’s a beautiful valley. All his stress falls away as he realizes he has achieved.

“I sat and the camera zoomed out till I’m nothing
See the coin twinkle like a gold moon up above him”

The song ends with this and we are left to wonder if the coin is above him as in further up the mountain, or if it is twinkling above him like when Mario gets the coin. Spose is saying this “looking back” appreciative moment is the only way to reach the coin.

Welcome to your twenties.

 

In Defense of Acquired Tastes

When I was a kid, you could not make me eat asparagus if my life depended on it. I would not eat it on a train or a plane.

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And then, when I was in high school a friend had the opportunity to pick asparagus at a farm and somehow convinced me the 30 minute carpool would be worth the 2 hours a day after school it would take to pick asparagus.

Which, by the way is an entirely weird plant that grows daily like a magic bean, a harvest that involves sitting on a tractor like you’re visiting the gynecologist with 2 other people and a knife that was purchased in 1982, but I digress.

The point is that I suddenly found asparagus interesting and I could tell if it would be a good harvest by chewing on a raw stalk so I just love asparagus via exposure. Every time someone makes asparagus I feel a (very strange) sense of pride for overcoming and becoming more “refined”(?) as a result.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of views of my peers, I guess we are going through that figuring-out-how-you-fit-in-this-world-for-the-second-time phase, (the first one being through the American Idiot album?) and I keep seeing all these memes or quotes that get passed around about changing your surroundings. I’ll be the first to admit sometimes you have to and should change your surroundings. but this is an action that needs to be done in good faith!

I see a lot of extreme extroverts using a variety by society as an excuse to avoid depth and focus on breadth. Instead of improving themselves they hunt for a new surroundings again in poor faith. I don’t think this is good.

You can’t put an airplane emoji in your Instagram bio and think it translates to self-growth. 

For too long you extroverts have been controlling the business scene and LinkedIn is starting to reveal your true colours of not seeing true depth and as an ambivert I feel it’s my responsibility to push the introverts to get this far in the article to convince people depth is the way to go.

So IF I may, let me recommend some Asparagus you should listen to. I will be releasing a small series of these posts dissecting an album by the rapper Spose that I originally really didn’t like, and still sometimes skip some tracks. I’ve come to realize this is a wonderfully cohesive album that covers a lot of the realization around the stage of life we find ourselves in during our twenties.

Find it on Apple Music or Spotify: “We all got Lost” Spose.